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Baby fat. [Oct. 1st, 2010|11:53 pm]

I just had a baby, he's the love of my life,the reason I wake up each morning, and the one thing that keeps me going when things get tough. I'd love to say I couldnt be happier, but I'd be full of crap.

I thought I'd finally gotten past all my body issues.I thought I was comfortable enough with myself, but I guess I was wrong. I finally decided to have a baby because I finally felt good enough about myself to where I didnt think getting bigger would bother me but man oh man, I didnt figure in all the weight you put on while pregnant. I just ate and ate and ate for nine months... I was 125 lbs the day I found out I was pregnant and the day I had the baby I was like 192 ish... yeah.. huge.
I went to my 6 week appointment, and was pleased to know that I had gotten down to 158, but really I hate how my body looks right now. I keep telling myself that it's alright, that I just had a baby, that I'm allowed to look a little flumpy, but I really cant help but be disgusted by what I see in the mirror, and I'm starting to catch myself slipping back into my old ways of just not eating. I was always good at it, it seems like if I dont want to eat, I just dont get hungry- I'm really good at not eating, but honestly I feel guilty about it. I dont know.. I just had to vent. I feel pretty lost at the moment.
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When You Care [Dec. 10th, 2009|02:02 pm]

[Current Mood |sadsad]

So I know this guy. He's my ex-boyfriend. I've liked him ever since the start of high school when he started replying to posts I made in my blog. He entranced me from the start. He was intellectual, intelligent, understanding, and just one of the most remarkable people I ever met. I started posting in my blog just to see him reply. I would check every moment I could to see if he'd made a statement yet. At my friend's house I begged her to help me find out who I was.

I found out. And I asked him to a movie. I made up some story about how my mom didn't want to let me go to a movie, and attempted to make him think that he was my only option left. But really, I just wanted to meet this fellow and find out what made him tick, who he was, and what he could mean to me.

That day was and still is one of the happiest days in my life. I'd never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. I didn't want that day to end. The more I knew him the more I respected him.

And then eventually, over time, during a time when he was hurting over another girl I was trying to comfort him, offer him advice, despite how much I wanted that girl to be me. Eventually he became my Forever. The only person I could ever picture myself belonging to.

But when my time came, I was happy. He'd chosen me and I thought we'd be together forever. But I was emotionally undeveloped, and mentally ill. I wasn't ready for a relationship but I tried anyway, not knowing what would happen. In the end he had tried to deal with me and my illness and my general confusion over who I was and what I wanted. I'd hurt him, and I'd ruined what I now know was the best thing that ever happened to me.

And so today I screwed up royally. I did something stupid. Again. And now I'm left without him.
I would love for us to be able to be friends again. Is there anyone out there that can help me with this and all my feelings?
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2009|12:10 am]
Soo..i just joined this community,
and i need to vent.

sometimes i think id be happier alone with the addictions i have whit no one to criticize me..one would be hard to live alone with thou but theres always vibrators haha..
but i wouldnt ever want to be without my bf but i hate being criticized about my bad and normal addictions.
everyone has flaws,,
i just cant control myself sometimes.

anyone understand??
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support site [Dec. 6th, 2009|11:05 pm]
http://selfhelp.yuku.com it is a very helpful support site that i use. has around 191 members now.
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(no subject) [Nov. 26th, 2009|05:40 am]


Angela Hartlin's memoir, FOREVER MARKED: A Dermatillomania Diary has finally been released! Please join her Facebook Fan page to spread word about this skin picking disorder along with her experiences with it.

People with this disorder have traits of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and usually suffer from depression. It is an Impulse Control Disorder that is fueled by high levels of anxiety. The first few pages can be previewed at the Lulu.com site, which includes a better definition of Dermatillomania.

Even if you do not have Facebook, the prices are listed there for Canadian, American, and International buyers. If you do, please spread the word of the fan page to everyone on your friend's list, even if you have to tell them that you're spreading the word for a friend! We need to raise awareness about this silent disorder and help break the stigma on mental health in general. You never know who is suffering in isolation from having this condition.

Please e-mail forever.markedATyahoo.ca if you want to purchase from Angela directly; she offers a lower shipping price than Lulu.com does. Include the country that you live in and she can send you a quote. She ships the day she gets a payment (or the day after), then sends an e-mail to confirm that it was sent.

Thank you. <3


(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2009|11:49 am]

I wrote this a little earlier today to post on my journal, but then I found this community and thought I should post it here as well, to see if anyone else is feeling similarly these days.  It's rambling, and odd, but so are most of the things I write.  I just recently had to move back in with my parents. Artesia is my home town.  The job situation isn't all that stable for me at the moment, so I couldn't justify signing up for a new lease. Anyway, there's no reason to add more rambling to everything, so here you go:

I was going to write something about drinking, about drinking high life.  But it sounded really boring when I typed up some of it, so this is what you get instead.  It's sort of sad when getting a new book in from Amazon is the highlight of my day/week/etc. I feel really distant from a lot of things and some people right now, and while I could blame it on any number of small things, I'm not really sure why that's the case. If my current string of luck continues for a while, I'm definitely investing in a tent and just disappearing on weekends.  Vegetarianism is making me feel pretty great physically these past three weeks.  I think I've even dropped a couple of pounds, even though I've been more sedentary the last couple of months than I have been in about 3 years. I'm hesitant to get outside and take walks in Artesia to get in some exercise.  There will be too many people seeing me then calling my mom just to say they saw me out walking around, and then my mom will have to tell me about all of these people calling to mention my weird walking behavior.  Somehow a gut doesn't seem so bad compared to having to say "uh huh" a thousand times when my mom is telling me that. It's a railroad town, Artesia is.  And I'm beginning to wonder if the hobo lifestyle has had any kind of uptick during this recession.  If I weren't mildly freaked out by all of the chemicals in some of the railcars and being faced with eating canned food full of sodium and BPA, I might really place it on the list of options to get out of here.  But too bad for me that I'm really much more of a conformist than I generally like to admit.  It's less "Fuck politics, I just want to burn shit down," and more "Fuck politics, I just want to be comfortable and content and satisfied." Perhaps there's some cleverly marketed item or product or service or internet dating site that could help me delude myself into feeling some of that.  I've got some new shoes and a concert ticket and plans for drinking this weekend and a new bright shiny master's degree, so maybe one of those will work at least a little. I'm really not depressed, at least I don't think so.  Maybe I'm kidding myself a little bit there. Who knows. I'm not even really sad or confused. I'm just idling.  And that's weird.  I'm not even missing much, in either sense.  I've basically got everything I need, for the moment.  And there isn't much I've lost that I wish I had.  There's no point in that anyway.  For the first time in a  good long while, I'm not frantically worrying about what's next or what I should have or how much it sucks being single or how good fucking used to be, and will I ever find another woman who it's that good with again.  I've had more than my fair breaks with most of those, and I've not really appreciated them. I do feel a little off, somehow.  I guess it's somewhat natural, but I guess any feeling is basically natural.  There's not really any sadness, but there's also not really any happiness.  There isn't even a coin with those as opposite sides. There's no coin at all.  There's just static, and it's numbing, mesmerizing, and tingly.  I do know this: I don't want to be hypnotized.  Not by that static, not by anything on any part of the good-bad spectrum.  Maybe I'll learn something valuable about illusions and self-deception from this.
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First post here!!! [Jul. 3rd, 2009|09:59 pm]

Will it be hard to accept learn to accept myself you bet will i try? yes. One thing i can accept is that im an exeptional dancer. And a amazing poet
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Addiction [Jun. 26th, 2009|02:32 pm]

[Current Music |Honey Bee by Zee Avi]

I wrote a sort of poem thingy and its just about me and a good friend of mine, and my past. I just wanted  to write cause i felt that it would help me come to terms and accept my past better, its nothing too specific, but if you read it you get the point.

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i should just let it go. [May. 9th, 2009|01:51 pm]

[Current Location |My Bedroom]
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |Hey There Delilah-Plain White T's]

I don't think I could have done anything else to show you that I loved you.
I did everything I could to make you happy...

But did you try? no.

I tried everything you wanted me to, even things against my morals
I went through hard breaks, hardships, and hard days.

But did you try? no.

Please tell me what I could of done for you so you would have loved me back
Please tell me what I could of done more of to make you happy.
Because now you have someone who can, and thats not fair

But did you try? no.

What does she have that I don't?
What is she doing that I didnt?
What more could I have done to make you mine?
like i was always yours.

But did you try? no.

It hurts me to think that I gave everything of mine to you
and you took away all my precious gifts without care,
because you knew you could get more, and i would do anything for you.

But did you try? no.

Thank you for calling me a whore,
Bitch, slut, cunt, fat ass. Because now my self esteem is less than
you'll ever know.

But did you try? no.

I wish things didnt end the way they did
I wish you werent happy
I wish I was..
I wish so many things.. and none of them can come true..
but you ...my first love.. the one i did everthing for... didnt try..

didnt try.. nearly enough.

So i'm sorry that i wasnt good enough for you
that you had to hurt me so..
but i wish you would have tried. just even a little..

i guess i should have just let you go

(i wrote this about my ex.)
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new here [May. 2nd, 2009|11:15 am]
hey guys im new to the hole internet thing here and i was just wondring if any one could just talk to me about things. its mostly in my post on my journal but i really need help if any one is willing i will apreaciate it so much!  i met the love of my life a couple years ago and a few months ago things just got out of control and i made a million mistakes and a few really big ones and ya its all on my journal. i need to change, not just want to NEED TO.  thanks!
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