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I wrote this a little earlier today to post on my journal, but… - BECOME WHO YOU ARE [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Aug. 6th, 2009|11:49 am]


I wrote this a little earlier today to post on my journal, but then I found this community and thought I should post it here as well, to see if anyone else is feeling similarly these days.  It's rambling, and odd, but so are most of the things I write.  I just recently had to move back in with my parents. Artesia is my home town.  The job situation isn't all that stable for me at the moment, so I couldn't justify signing up for a new lease. Anyway, there's no reason to add more rambling to everything, so here you go:

I was going to write something about drinking, about drinking high life.  But it sounded really boring when I typed up some of it, so this is what you get instead.  It's sort of sad when getting a new book in from Amazon is the highlight of my day/week/etc. I feel really distant from a lot of things and some people right now, and while I could blame it on any number of small things, I'm not really sure why that's the case. If my current string of luck continues for a while, I'm definitely investing in a tent and just disappearing on weekends.  Vegetarianism is making me feel pretty great physically these past three weeks.  I think I've even dropped a couple of pounds, even though I've been more sedentary the last couple of months than I have been in about 3 years. I'm hesitant to get outside and take walks in Artesia to get in some exercise.  There will be too many people seeing me then calling my mom just to say they saw me out walking around, and then my mom will have to tell me about all of these people calling to mention my weird walking behavior.  Somehow a gut doesn't seem so bad compared to having to say "uh huh" a thousand times when my mom is telling me that. It's a railroad town, Artesia is.  And I'm beginning to wonder if the hobo lifestyle has had any kind of uptick during this recession.  If I weren't mildly freaked out by all of the chemicals in some of the railcars and being faced with eating canned food full of sodium and BPA, I might really place it on the list of options to get out of here.  But too bad for me that I'm really much more of a conformist than I generally like to admit.  It's less "Fuck politics, I just want to burn shit down," and more "Fuck politics, I just want to be comfortable and content and satisfied." Perhaps there's some cleverly marketed item or product or service or internet dating site that could help me delude myself into feeling some of that.  I've got some new shoes and a concert ticket and plans for drinking this weekend and a new bright shiny master's degree, so maybe one of those will work at least a little. I'm really not depressed, at least I don't think so.  Maybe I'm kidding myself a little bit there. Who knows. I'm not even really sad or confused. I'm just idling.  And that's weird.  I'm not even missing much, in either sense.  I've basically got everything I need, for the moment.  And there isn't much I've lost that I wish I had.  There's no point in that anyway.  For the first time in a  good long while, I'm not frantically worrying about what's next or what I should have or how much it sucks being single or how good fucking used to be, and will I ever find another woman who it's that good with again.  I've had more than my fair breaks with most of those, and I've not really appreciated them. I do feel a little off, somehow.  I guess it's somewhat natural, but I guess any feeling is basically natural.  There's not really any sadness, but there's also not really any happiness.  There isn't even a coin with those as opposite sides. There's no coin at all.  There's just static, and it's numbing, mesmerizing, and tingly.  I do know this: I don't want to be hypnotized.  Not by that static, not by anything on any part of the good-bad spectrum.  Maybe I'll learn something valuable about illusions and self-deception from this.