|I need some advice
||[Mar. 11th, 2009|02:51 am]
A PLACE TO VENT
5 months ago I started sleeping with a boy I've known for about eight years. About four of those years, the ones immediately after high school, were spent without contact with one another. During that time we both had our first relationships and lost our virginities. I was with my ex for 14 months. It was a horrible abusive relationship that should have ended far sooner. His relationship was over 2 years long and ended just last May. It was a long-distance relationship, because he had been in the Marines until last fall. His girlfriend gave no real reason for the breakup. For this reason he is understandably bitter, and also because I believe he was really in love with her. |
We began talking again shortly after their breakup, just as friends at first. It was really only a couple days where we went to see a movie and have dinner. The rest of the summer we occasionally talked through myspace. When he moved back in August we saw each other every now and then. It wasn't until October that things escalated to the level they are now. Let me just say that I had not intended to sleep with him. By September or so, I had begun to have feelings for him and what I wanted was for us to date. This, what we have now, was never what I wanted.
Anyway, we ended up sleeping together early in October and since then we have become pretty close and sleep with each other a couple times a week. He's become my best guy friend. And honestly the only guy I've ever really been this close too. After our first night together, I asked him what we were. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship and asked me if that was ok with me. I told him I didn't want to be used and he said that he would never use me. So I said that it was ok, but only because I was hoping that with time he would change his mind. So months went by, and I got more and more confused. We seemed like a couple, without the obligation that a relationship entails. And all the while, I was falling for him.
So a month ago, on Valentines night, I asked him if we would ever be more than friends with benefits. He said that we would more than likely never be more and he liked me as a friend. He broke my heart. He again asked if it was ok with me. I never really answered, but things haven't really changed. Well, we talk about more personal things now, but that's about it. Now, I don't know what I'm doing. I know that a friends with benefits relationship only works if neither person expects more and/or has feelings for the other. And I so very clearly do. But even knowing that, I cannot bring myself to stop all of this.
Because I value his friendship. I have so many girl friends. It's fun to be able to talk to a guy. Because I like the intimacy. I like the hand-holding, and having him pull me closer to him when I switch postions in bed, and putting my head on his shoulder, and waking up next to him, and yes the sex. Because, and this is the big one, I love him and I'm hoping, dumbly and desperately, that he's going to fall for me too. I'm telling myself that the only reason he's "not ready for a realtionship" is because of his ex.
I know this is all dumb. I know it better than I want to. But knowing doesn't equal doing. So please, someone give me some advice.