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When You Care [Dec. 10th, 2009|02:02 pm]


[Current Mood |sadsad]

So I know this guy. He's my ex-boyfriend. I've liked him ever since the start of high school when he started replying to posts I made in my blog. He entranced me from the start. He was intellectual, intelligent, understanding, and just one of the most remarkable people I ever met. I started posting in my blog just to see him reply. I would check every moment I could to see if he'd made a statement yet. At my friend's house I begged her to help me find out who I was.

I found out. And I asked him to a movie. I made up some story about how my mom didn't want to let me go to a movie, and attempted to make him think that he was my only option left. But really, I just wanted to meet this fellow and find out what made him tick, who he was, and what he could mean to me.

That day was and still is one of the happiest days in my life. I'd never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. I didn't want that day to end. The more I knew him the more I respected him.

And then eventually, over time, during a time when he was hurting over another girl I was trying to comfort him, offer him advice, despite how much I wanted that girl to be me. Eventually he became my Forever. The only person I could ever picture myself belonging to.

But when my time came, I was happy. He'd chosen me and I thought we'd be together forever. But I was emotionally undeveloped, and mentally ill. I wasn't ready for a relationship but I tried anyway, not knowing what would happen. In the end he had tried to deal with me and my illness and my general confusion over who I was and what I wanted. I'd hurt him, and I'd ruined what I now know was the best thing that ever happened to me.

And so today I screwed up royally. I did something stupid. Again. And now I'm left without him.
I would love for us to be able to be friends again. Is there anyone out there that can help me with this and all my feelings?