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I need some advice [Mar. 11th, 2009|02:51 am]
5 months ago I started sleeping with a boy I've known for about eight years. About four of those years, the ones immediately after high school, were spent without contact with one another. During that time we both had our first relationships and lost our virginities. I was with my ex for 14 months. It was a horrible abusive relationship that should have ended far sooner. His relationship was over 2 years long and ended just last May. It was a long-distance relationship, because he had been in the Marines until last fall. His girlfriend gave no real reason for the breakup. For this reason he is understandably bitter, and also because I believe he was really in love with her.

We began talking again shortly after their breakup, just as friends at first. It was really only a couple days where we went to see a movie and have dinner. The rest of the summer we occasionally talked through myspace. When he moved back in August we saw each other every now and then. It wasn't until October that things escalated to the level they are now. Let me just say that I had not intended to sleep with him. By September or so, I had begun to have feelings for him and what I wanted was for us to date. This, what we have now, was never what I wanted.

Anyway, we ended up sleeping together early in October and since then we have become pretty close and sleep with each other a couple times a week. He's become my best guy friend. And honestly the only guy I've ever really been this close too. After our first night together, I asked him what we were. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship and asked me if that was ok with me. I told him I didn't want to be used and he said that he would never use me. So I said that it was ok, but only because I was hoping that with time he would change his mind. So months went by, and I got more and more confused. We seemed like a couple, without the obligation that a relationship entails. And all the while, I was falling for him.

So a month ago, on Valentines night, I asked him if we would ever be more than friends with benefits. He said that we would more than likely never be more and he liked me as a friend. He broke my heart. He again asked if it was ok with me. I never really answered, but things haven't really changed. Well, we talk about more personal things now, but that's about it. Now, I don't know what I'm doing. I know that a friends with benefits relationship only works if neither person expects more and/or has feelings for the other. And I so very clearly do. But even knowing that, I cannot bring myself to stop all of this.

Because I value his friendship. I have so many girl friends. It's fun to be able to talk to a guy. Because I like the intimacy. I like the hand-holding, and having him pull me closer to him when I switch postions in bed, and putting my head on his shoulder, and waking up next to him, and yes the sex. Because, and this is the big one, I love him and I'm hoping, dumbly and desperately, that he's going to fall for me too. I'm telling myself that the only reason he's "not ready for a realtionship" is because of his ex.

I know this is all dumb. I know it better than I want to. But knowing doesn't equal doing. So please, someone give me some advice.
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My Ex Is A Psycho. The End. [Mar. 8th, 2009|10:25 pm]
[Current Mood |distresseddistressed]

I have a restraining order against my ex boyfriend.  We dated a year.  Back in November he threatened to rape and kill me on the phone and I recorded it and brought it to the police.  They were so disturbed by his threats that they arrested him at his school.  A month went by and he had his court hearings and I finally got the order of protection that said he couldn't contact me in any way or see me etc.

It was February when I recieved the first email from "Sam Bradford" also known as the 2008 Heisman trophey winner.  We'd sent a few emails (me asking who he was and such) and he claimed to want to "get to know me better" because apparently we were Facebook friends.  I went onto my Facebook and looked at my friends list and didn't even realize I'd added him.  I looked under his Info and saw my ex's REAL screen name under contacts!  I flipped and called the police.  I showed them the emails and they said they'd investigate.

Well, they haven't gotten back to me about anything and he's STILL emailing me.  He's told me that he and my ex are friends and knows really intimate details about our relationship.  I'm not writing back anymore but he said that my ex told him that after the restraining order is up he's going to try to contact me and come and find me.  I'm really scared and the police aren't doing anything to help me!  This kid is a psycho.  Everybody at his school knows it and they all stay away from him.  I'm really worried that he's going to try to hurt me in July when the order expires.  Anyone have any advice on what I should do?
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Making some improvements for myself. [Mar. 1st, 2009|01:41 pm]

I'm new to the community, and I didn't quite know where else to go.

Well, two weeks ago, my boyfriend of five years and I broke up. We'd dated steadily since we were 15, and I know it's for the best. I still love him, and I know he loves me, just neither of us in that way anymore. That's fine. He's my best friend, and I want him to be, but the thing is, I don't really have any other friends to talk to about it.
My roommate, and that's it. I haven't been without a boyfriend since I was 15, and that's terrifying to me. Tom is literally the only person I was able to talk to about everything, but not this. Seems weird. I just think I'm in that phase where I feel like no one will ever love me again and that I'll die alone. I KNOW that's not true, but for some reason I just can't think positively.

Things in my life REALLY spiraled down the past year. My dad died in late 2007, and last February, my twin brother committed suicide. I feel like I've been living since then in a trance, and I've turned into such a negative person that a lot of my old friends don't want anything to do with me anymore, and I don't have anyone to talk to because my bf was the only one I COULD talk to.

I just want to be better. I want to help myself, and figure out who I am. I'm missing life by being so miserable. I'm trying to adopt more positive habits, like exercise. I don't want to live like this anymore. I just needed to go somewhere non-biased to complain.
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so hard to LIVE with yourself... [Feb. 28th, 2009|03:52 pm]

[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |led zeppelin dyer maker]

........when the person you love more than anyone you ever have loved doesn't love you back and doesn't want you and never will. oh well, more for me to write music about i suppose and maybe the grammy i get one day could hopefully be a smack in the face of my emotional offender. check out my band. hope you dig, i feel so not rock star right now.

-ange bbr

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idk. maybe one day. [Jan. 12th, 2009|12:19 am]
[Current Location |between here and there]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |i drilled a whole through my cheek.]

i dont know why i cant accept myself. im not a bad person. im not doing wrong for the first time in my life i should be happy. ive tried to seek mental help but none the less they always push me to answer questions yes or no style. i feel crazier being sober than i did when i was actually out of my mind on drugs. sometimes i want to revert back to where i was. messed up on some illicit substance crying behind a locked door cutting slapping hating myself. i had more friends back then even though i was hiding more secrets than ever. all of my friends are still messed up on something using "prescription" as an excuse. i dont want to be jaded bitter or angry but i am. ive lost all means to vent. now i just harbor my feels and pretend to everyone that im ok. they know im doing better but the moment i try to say HEY ITS NOT OK IM NOT OK they point their fingers at me. "are you high?" "oh no you sound like the 'old' you". i know they say that you cant run from your problems but sometimes i think a lot of it has to do with that i am in the same place stuck drowning in old memories. not all are bad memories per say.. just memories.. a distant time not long ago. it haunts me. these people haunt me. i dont know if i can escape and i feel... insane. or on the brink of it. i feel stupid trying to discuss this with people because im not a sixteen year old rolling around in my teenage angst. i feel i never really got over that stage to be honest.. that it still lingers. i should be successful have reached my goals or nearing them.. and im not saying i havnt and that im not successful its just... i dont know how to feel anymore. im more numb now then when i was numbing myself. maybe i should just cry. stop crying on the inside. give in a little. try na. aa. some sort of support group. i feel bad when i go to those places because in retrospect when i look at my life it hasnt been that bad. ive MADE it bad. you name it and i have done it. every form of self destructive behavior. and yet... now that im not doing anything .. have no vices.. i feel even more messed up than before.
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First Secret: Pit Stains [Jan. 7th, 2009|08:56 pm]
i have this problem...
its a lengthy written problem, so i wont post it here...but if you think you can help, in any way, please go read and respond.
im sure by the title of this post, you can tell what the "secret" is
please go view it.

i would like some opinions, criticism, fellow people like me...just
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Broken Hearted [Jan. 5th, 2009|05:48 pm]

My heart feels like it wants to plunge through my diaphragm, slip down my left leg and rest by itself on the floor. It is literally tugging, pulling, downward. I keep having these thoughts. When I see keep I mean perpetually smashing themselves vigorously onto the inside of my mind not allowing me to think much else. The most insidious is that thought that somehow if I could pull the relationship back together everything would be alright.

Of course this is surrounded by techniques for getting this to happen. Even worse the brain decides to build a detailed story board of how the reunification will take place, and then how wonderful it will all be. This is obviously absurd fantasy and the rational mind screams all the while that this road is a dead end track with cliff of fatal proportions waiting at the end. It is only inevitable that you do eventually go sailing of this cliff back into the abyss of despair. I'm still working out how best to avoid this road, or at the very least conduct a u-turn. In the mean time writing it out in odd metaphors seems to at least have a short term positive effect.

This is exactly How I feel right now.  I want so much to get bback together.  My heart is in a million pieces and yet it takes everything I have to remeber why I broke up with him..........I want to cry I want to fight, I want peace........my Insides are like a emotional tidal wave........going inward then back out and I fell liek crap!

(entry: http://mybreakingheart.com/2007_12_01_archive.html )
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(no subject) [Nov. 16th, 2008|08:12 am]

Wassapin everyone?!
My name's Barbie.

I've had anorexia for 3-4 years so far. I'm not close to recovery.
I have a daughter thats 3 years old. Her name is Audrey. She's my world.

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm here if any of you need someone to talk to.
I'm a good listener.

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New. [Nov. 16th, 2008|05:54 am]
 Hi everyone!
I had a livejournal years ago but am happy to be back, determined to find support on my path to recovery, and help others struggling with the same diseases/addictions/traumas. I will post tonight on my page a summary of my first step so those of you who want to can get to know me a little better. Thank you all for being here and looking forward to sharing my experiences, struggles, strengths, and hopes.
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(no subject) [Aug. 16th, 2008|12:55 pm]


Hey Guys, I'm Charlee and this is my first post onto this community.
I have started this thing called 17 where I plan to help the world :)

While residing in this place that I call hell , I have leasrned that complaining is both frowned upon and a complete waste of time.  My entire life I have grown accustomed to the fact that my life's happiness does not rely on material possessions.. But they are nice to have..
I try to rarely ever complain to anyone other than the friends that I can confide in, for fear of crushing someone's spirit.  But today it hit me.  I have to help this hell become a home. And I have to before I can continue with my own dreams. Below I have posted my goals, and I will be giving a play by play on how things are going.. So keep up if you wish :)

Manage House
Release Material Possessions
Get Job
Look For House
Look For Cars
Get Dad Job
Help Ma Find BETTER Job


Current Mood: busy

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